Keeping Moving

I don't hike for exercise.  It's a feast for my senses, a healing for my soul.  I wander, looking at every growing thing, the tiny fungi and flowers, the dead trees, the twisted vines, the poops. 

Tracks here and there, or a rock or fallen branch that seems to be pointing the way.  

I leave the trail to follow a whim.  I stop, backtrack a few steps, tilt my head to hear the pleasing deep notes of a small waterfall.  I might pick a lichen I know I'll use in a tincture.  Or just admire its perfection because I know I won't use it and it took years to grow.

I notice chunks torn loose from a dead tree and I look and find signs that a bear has eaten there.  Teeny tiny ants crawling everywhere.  I wonder how long it takes to make a satisfying meal.  I wonder if a bear wakes up cranky like I do.

I wonder if someone doesn't value the world the way I do, can they value me?  If all they see is one big forest, all the same, while I see so many things - different every day, every hour, every time the light changes - and I'm so enchanted - are we living in the same world?

And I keep moving, finding a new trail with a new corner to look around, and discover it leads me back to the beginning, smiling, sweating despite the cold, with my pockets full of rocks, my happy dogs at my side.  I have to return home to food and warmth and sleep.  But I'm committed to myself again.  I need to stay awake and do the things that keep me awake.  Literally.  I've been sleeping too much.  Lying around, stuck in my own head, with my mean thoughts.

The weather is teasing, slowly getting better.  I've been planning a garden in remembrance of John.  I've bought plants, and planted an oak tree.  Soon I'll get the rest in the ground but the cold wind won't stop now, and I've slept away the good days.  I'm trying.  I tried to get the family together to help but it was like pulling teeth.  I got help with the one tree, and that is all I'll try for.  I think I'm on my own.  Aren't we all?  My kids are mourning, working, I don't know...  My brother in law is sick with cancer.  My nieces and nephew are living their own lives.  It's easier just to cook and visit. My best friends are my best help.  My tractor is acting up and the little tiller doesn't want to break ground.  I can operate a shovel but it hurts my injured elbow.  I like working by hand, it feels right.  But it takes time.  And I'm so tired.  I think too much.

We went camping over the weekend in a place John would have loved.  I had never been there before.  I cried a little, looking at rocks in the creek, thinking how he would have been looking with me.  I thought a bit about his death, and came to terms a little more with it.  I enjoyed the rest of the weekend.  It was beautiful.  

Soon I will have happier things to share.  I have been terribly cranky and I've had a hard time even living with myself lately.  But there have been good things!  I had to buy a new mower so I got a great one!  Zero turn.  It's fun!  I mowed for 2 hours and almost got everything I wanted to mow done.

I put Buster's pack saddle on and we did a tiny bit of ground work.  He wasn't extremely impressed but he's gonna have to get back to work.  We'll hike and do some serious work at home.  My farrier gave me some great ideas.  I like talking about horsemanship with him.  Maybe I'll write about that later and you all can brainstorm with me.

Scout is also going to have to get back to work, although I've never been excited about him.  Maybe with time, with him as my horse, we'll build more of a good working relationship.  I enjoy him, but I don't get out of bed in the morning thinking I want to get him out and do stuff with him.

Today I'm going to lunch with a friend & running some errands, then I have plans with my oldest tomorrow, and hiking with a friend next week.  I'm trying to plan less downtime.  I only work one day a week and I've had the last month off. I can't wait to get back to work.  With all my health issues it's hard to work a long day, but I need the stimulation and I like my job and my co-workers.

Maybe today I'll get my trailer ready to haul (it's pretty messy in the LQ) and take Buster somewhere fun tomorrow.  If so, I'll let you know!