Big lonely day

 

This is the face of someone who got up early, went for a walk with a friend, changed the sheets and washed bedding, took pics of my buck skull, burned a bunch of stuff, got ready to go ride, ride got canceled, took a nap, cut down a bunch of trees and bucked logs, took another nap, went grocery shopping, then hiking, groomed, bonded with, and worked with her donkey, cut down a stubborn tree, cleaned up a bunch of dead wood, did some writing, and burned stuff.  Oh, and made dinner.  Yeah, my hair has seen better days.  So has my back.  It hurts so bad.

Me Bucko

A rotten, black heart

A snowy trail, and Orion.  It was so hard to walk, I didn't have the right boots.  We only made it out a quarter mile and turned back.  Heart rate 127 after a leasurely stroll.  Of course it's 113 when I'm just sitting here.

The beautiful Potlatch River.  Life is like a river.  Loud, exciting, scary, dark, bright, slow, quiet, getting stuck in circles, rushing on, slowing down, laughing, falling, leaping.  

It was so beautiful and sunny, which is what drove me away from the house, but this trail was dark this time of day.  More a summer trail, I think.

The end of the day.  I've been enjoying my evening fires, and there is a neverending supply of dead trees and branches out back, it seems like.

 Burning the dead, ridding myself of the unwanted, in the dark.  Waiting for Spring.

God, I've been so lonely lately.  I don't like being by myself.  That's really not normal for me.  (Heck, I've even been visiting with complete strangers in stores and out camping and hiking.)  I don't really want to talk on the phone as much as I want to SEE PEOPLE. I really need to reconnect with my friends.  Some have been avoiding going out because of Covid, but I think at least 3 of them should be fully vaccinated very soon.  I'm gonna start making more of an effort to cultivate my friend garden.  Like that? :)  I don't know if I made it up or I heard it somewhere else.  I made a couple calls to my local family today, looking for a hiking buddy, but of course they work.  One was getting a load of hay ready on the semi to take across the state and the other had a long 10 hour day on her feet.  No hikey.  I also would really like to go back to work, get out of my house and out of my head a bit, but I really don't think I can with all my health issues.

Ahhh, life.  It's probably a mix of this stupid pandemic and spring fever.  Once I can get out on the trails and deeper into the woods, I'll probably disappear.  Although even that sounds kinda lonely.

My Heart On Fire

 

Burning Bad Poetry in the Rain

I write a lot sometimes, when my emotions are working, which they haven't been for many years.  Even before my concussion in 2016, which is when they put me on the antidepressant (because serotonin helps the brain heal) I had quit feeling much.  Maybe after Tonka died.  Maybe when I settled down and sat still with the kids for too long.  I don't know.  I quit my antidepressant and the words are flowing again.  But sometimes the words suck!  I composed a pretty good poem while riding, but then I got off my donkey and drank a whole bottle of champagne, and it didn't look so good the next day.  Flames are good.  Cleansing.  Erasing evidence of mental crap. (I'm not a drinker, that was a special occasion.  Alcohol gives me headaches.)

I finally went to the doctor yesterday, a kind of rural urgent care that I thought gave better care than it does.  They had advised me to go to their "Ready Care" since there were no appointments available all week.  Turns out Ready Care can't do anything much.  My resting heart rate has been over 100, more like 115 and up, for a couple months, with short spurts of what is probably a-fib.  I have an appointment in April so I was waiting it out but it's getting pretty bad.  I spin and reel sometimes, and almost passed out twice Friday morning.  My quick EKG yesterday was ok but the doctor, if she was a doctor, was super concerned.  I go back in on Thursday, if I don't end up in the ER before then, and they'll probably run some bloodwork and put me on a 2 day monitor.  I'm sure it'll catch the a-fib.  There's a risk of throwing a clot and having a stroke.  I wouldn't mind dying too much, although I'd rather not, but I don't want to be mentally or physically limited any more than I already am.  I texted my ex-boss about it because my doctor's appointment interferes with our plans later this week, and she said, "What?  That can't be right, your heart?  You already have enough other health stuff going on!"  I know, right? But she's had this exact same thing and it was no big deal once they got her on beta blockers.  Apparently it's pretty common. Her daughter is an ER nurse and sees it a lot. So it was good to talk to her.

Also, I have not mentioned my biggest news of the decade!  My niece is pregnant!  I'm gonna be a grandma!  I'm so excited!  Ariel was my first baby.  My sister and I lived next door to each other when she was a baby, and I loved to spend as much time as I could with her.  She was always so much fun. Nine months after she was born, I had MY daughter, Katia.  Perfect timing.  Wonderful life.  But now, with my sister gone, I feel like Ariel's baby will by my grandbaby.  Especially since my kids may not have kids.  Ariel lives 2 hours away now but I can go stay up there on their farm for a bit, and drive up there whenever I want.  She's due in early September.  I inadvertently bought the baby its first toy.  Her husband's mom thinks she did, but I bought mine before baby was conceived.  We

let her keep thinking she bought the first one. Heck, I bought her kids a handmade rocking horse a couple years ago.  :)  She's always planned on having a bunch of kids, and fostering more once her kids are grown enough.  Their big farmhouse can handle it once they get it all renovated.  Farms are good for troubled kids.

Both of "my girls" came over for the day Saturday.  My nieces.  We went for a hike, John and I and the girls, and 3 dogs.  I left the road for a bit to follow a game trail, parallel to them, just far away that I couldn't make out their words but I could hear their easy laughter, all talking comfortably and giggling about something.  It was so peaceful, being in the company of family.

My day has gone on since I wrote that last, and a farrier visit has gone by.  We talked and had a bit of show and tell, and now I want a rifle like his.  Turns out they're hard to find, and expensive.  One day, maybe.  With his scabbard, it fits comfortably either behind or in front of his leg, and he says he's accurate at 100 yards without a special sight or scope.

I showed him the skull of my buck, all cleaned up and white, with its funny antlers, and he liked to think he was an old buck, still going strong and fighting off the younger bucks, with part of his funky antlers broken off.  I'll have to get a picture of it to post one day.  He's a hunter too, and well, anyway, we share a lot of interests.  Turns out we're both planning on making tapaderos soon, and shopping for leather.  His brother-in-law makes saddles (I'll have to get a pic of his saddle one day.  It's gorgeous - a using saddle) and suggested the best quality leather is from some place in the midwest.  I'll have to get the info. He liked my new holster and said he could make a couple silver conchos for me, with my initials.  His silversmith work is phenomenal.  I may have to take him up on it, even if the price of silver is high now.

I loaded Buster in the trailer tonight, and he was difficult again.  I think it's not fear, maybe he's trying to tell me I'm a crappy driver or he hasn't liked where he went the last couple times. Or maybe the trailer floor was slick again?  I cleaned really well and put down new shavings today. He will get in for food, which tells me whatever the problem is, it's not that bad.  We'll work through it.

I got interrupted a couple times and my computer decided to be a turd and insist on an update, so now it's late and I need to be done, for now.  Going riding with a new person I haven't met tomorrow!  I can't wait!

Dentistry Marathon Day

Holy cow, I was at the vet for four hours!  Partially because they're slow but also because Scout wouldn't drop for his sheath cleaning, which added some time, and then Buster wouldn't load into the dentistry trailer.  I guess he remembered having his four wolf teeth pulled last time he was in there. And again, when it was time to go home, he didn't want to load up.  We got through it.  I also thought I might want her to flush Buster's nasolacrimal ducts, but she just couldn't do it.  She hasn't done it on a donkey or mule before.  Donkeys have the little opening at the bottom in a different spot, and apparently his nostrils are really small, so she couldn't get the flush in there.  She said she'd do some research.  I said yeah, let's just call it interesting and leave it for a different day.  I don't think he really needed it done anyway, he just has slightly boogery eyes, not runny eyes.

I like working with Shari, she cracks me up.  I kept throwing out all these weird little facts about donkeys, just because I find them interesting, and there she is later squatting down with her hands up his nose, saying, "Yeah, apparently Andrea's right, and donkeys aren't horses."

Here's a good example of the difference between a canine tooth (red) and a wolf tooth (blue).  Some people sometimes think they want the canine tooth extracted.  See that root?  Not gonna extract that unless it's totally necessary, and it's gonna be really difficult.  Usually only the males have canines, as fighting teeth, but some mares have them.  My first little mustang mare had them.  The wolf teeth, if they're there, are another matter.  They can be on the top or bottom, and are in front of the molars.  They can be bigger or smaller, well rooted or loose, and can lay sideways or all kinds of weird ways.  A lot of people leave them, a lot of people have them taken out.  I have them extracted in case they're even the littlest bit loose and might cause discomfort with the bit.  If they're small and loose it's easy, but I've had some that were really hard to get out.  Buster had at least one that was laying parallel to the jaw, under the gums.

Scout was surprisingly good all day.  Photos, exam, and blood draw for his health certificate, and then his dental and his super grody sheath cleaning.  It had been two years since his teeth were done, and at 13 years old they're not erupting as fast as they used to be.  They needed done but weren't razor sharp and had no problems.  I think I'll wait 2 years on him again.  Hey, his birthday is coming up!  Shoot, he'll be a teen now.  I'm not sure I like that.

Buster, well, I was disappointed in his feet glued to the ground, but he was really good other than that.  He had also been 2 years since his last dental and he shouldn't have waited so long.  He's the same age but maybe he chews harder, or maybe since he hadn't had consistent dental care before, his teeth fell back into a bad pattern.  A hook on top in the front of his molars, which wore down the bottom front molar, and sharper points.  That hook will keep his jaw from moving freely front to back, as it should when he moves his chin to his chest or vice versa.

When it came time to load up to go home, I had to tie his rope in the trailer and leave him standing at the back, outside the trailer, and take a break.  I was stumped. I figured he'd get in eventually, but when?  I went in to the LQ and found an orange.  He loves oranges.  Also, an ag plane started spraying the field behind him, flying low and loud.  That might have helped.  I gave him a bite of orange, climbed in the trailer and squatted down as far away from him as I could get. (He has 2 stalls to himself, so lots of room).  He thought about it for a couple minutes and walked in.  We shared the rest of the orange and talked about it.  I don't know what got into him but I hope he forgets about it next time.

In about 10 days when the Coggins results get back we'll be legal to travel to several western states.  But I won't be going far for a couple months.  I need to take it easy for a while.  If I can figure out how to do that!

A Nice Day

Buster and I went for a ride at a friend's place yesterday, then went out to the farm where he was working to help try to figure out some plugged drain tile below some culverts. Sundance doesn't like to ride anymore so I was going to ride the butte behind his house and then we were going to drive out together and work, but he decided to get to work early, so I drove out and Buster stood tied while we worked.  It was good for him.  He was very patient and even stood calmly and visited with another friend while a road grader went by about two feet away.  Huckleberry got to come too, but he didn't go along for the ride, he just hung out at the house and chewed on bones, then slept in the truck.  He wasn't feeling very well.

When we first headed out, Buster was nervous and really wanted to keep an eye on everything.  He'd seen PIGS at the house and that kinda broke his brain for a while.

The water overflow intake at the pond made noise and made him nervous, so we walked across this part.

See him all bunched up and ready for action?  We rode across on the way back and it went well, but of course a plane flew low over us right at that moment, making it a little more of a challenge for him mentally.  He was a champ.

Buster really loves to take in the view, especially big views like this one, so we spent a lot of time stopping and staring.  I let him choose the route for the most part, to keep him interested, but I couldn't let him go into the farm field he really wanted to walk in.  I think he thought it looked easier.  It sure wouldn't have been.  So much mud!

We found an old car.  I don't think it's going to start right up on the first try.

I really enjoy going riding by myself.  Now that I have an animal I don't have to be afraid is going to kill me.  It's peaceful.  I can talk to Buster all I want, which isn't a ton but still, I don't have to explain myself. :)  And he and I can stop and take our time with no pressure and go wherever we want, whether it makes sense or not.  He's pretty good at finding the right path, but sometimes, if it's not too dangerous, I let him choose a hard path if he insists, just to let him experience it.  I couldn't let him choose a path where he'd have to jump a creek and then climb a steep bank with deep snow yesterday, but I let him take that route on the way back, kind of sidewise rather than straight down, and he had to really work through that deep snow.  He did it no problem, but it was work.  Then he chose to take my way by the creek, up around the difficult part, which meant going through a wider wet part instead of through the brushier, narrower, steeper part he'd wanted to go through earlier, but it was at least level.  Smart boy learned that my way really was actually easier.

Later I sat on the backhoe and tried to help spot the pipe as Sundance dug.  I'm not that great at using the backhoe yet, myself.  I did spot both ends of the pipe first though!  So I was some help.  We got through the plugged section and got it draining again and then the backhoe got stuck in the mud.  I tried to take a pic of buster standing at the trailer but he's so teeny he's hard to see.

I wasn't too sad that I got to sit in the comfy chair while he climbed in the cold water.  I don't have hip waders.  I imagine I would have slipped and gone for a swim, anyway.

We moved on to the next one and did some digging by hand, then when he went home for more tools I went home with Buster to spend some time with John.  Actually, I took a good nap since I'd been up since 3am.  Then we spent some quality time.  Oh!  John and I went for a late hike the day before and I think I got a nice sunset picture.  Let me find it.

Actually I got a couple pictures.  We saw some deer and poor Winston, who was on a leash, really wanted to go after them.  We didn't find any shed antlers, but that's no surprise.  I never have much luck with that.

Last night we were watching a movie and Orion stole my comfy spot on the couch.  He was so cute I couldn't help taking his picture.  

Today I'm hoping to see a friend who's in town that I haven't seen for a few years, and of course the boys have their dentals.  I may have to hope I can see my friend tomorrrow.  We'll see. 

Ugh, I hate the waiting time at this vet.  It's always something.  This time I have camp chairs in the back of the truck!  I might just drag one out!

A Wonderful Weekend

 John and I took "the horses" camping for a three day weekend.  I haven't come up with a better way to say the donkey and the horse, so I just say "the horses" because it works for me.  It's just easier.  Buster doesn't seem to mind. :)  It's still too snowy here to go to the mountains so we went west about an hour and a half into the desert of Washington.  It's a somewhat popular spot, so we didn't take any dogs.

Huckleberry stayed with my friend, which was super weird.  If he's ever been babysat before it's been at home, and rarely, so I was apprehensive, especially with him not feeling 100%.  He has to go out usually at least twice a night, sometimes he needs meds for pain, his feed regimen is a pain, and he gets anxiety.  It turns out he had a blast!  My friend loves him and he loves my friend, so there were no worries there.  He got to steal eggs from the barn, basically had the run of the place and did whatever he wanted, slept on the couch just like he does at home, and even got to help kill a bad coyote, then dragged its guts all over the place.  I bet he enjoyed that after the last few times he lost a fight with a coyote.  I do love coyotes, but this one was way too close to the flock at the barn.

Here's just a random rare pic of all three boys on the couch together.  Huck doesn't usually allow that kind of proximity. But he's getting lazier in his old age, and puts up with the pup sometimes.

Can you see us in the picture below?  Buster and I are well camouflaged.

This looked like a great fishing spot with the rocks right at the water, and a nice eddy.  Looked like some birds had been fishing there.

You just might be seeing a few pictures of Buster in this post.  I think he's pretty darn cute.

Seriously.  Cute.

He's such an incredibly good boy and he puts up with my shenanigans.

You have to look close, this isn't just blackness.  (Click to enlarge)  Far left is Sirius, then Orion with his bow, hunting Taurus, and far right, just a tiny cluster, is The Seven Sisters, also called Subaru or Pleiades.  I don't know many constellations but these are my good friends.

End of the day.  It was cold-ish and breezy, but we parked the trailer to block the wind and huddled close to a good fire.  I have a couple of wool blankets and I know how to stay warm WITHOUT resorting to staying inside.  There was another couple camping near us, super nice, but they stayed in their camper so much of the time!  What?  John pointed out that we live where we're already pretty much camping, and if they live in town, being able to step outside into the great outdoors is probably good enough for them.  I want to be OUT IN IT all the time.  

I laid down next to this handsome dude and wrote for a while and tried to take a nap.  It was lovely and relaxing.  For once I couldn't nap, I think because there were other people around.  Buster and Scout had some little kids come visit.  Buster didn't mind but Scout got pissy.  They were kind of high-energy.  I love how much kids get excited over animals.  But some animals just don't like it, and that's ok.

I finally finished the blanket stitch along the cut edge of this wool blanket I found in a thrift store.  So relaxing to sit by the fire and keep my hands busy.  And of course admire my handsome ass.

A lot of cool things happened out by this huge blade of rock out there that reminded me of Shiprock.  There's a picture farther below.  It dominates the landscape for quite a while as you approach.  Anyway, I saw my first wildflowers of the year!  Just lowly buttercups but a very welcome sight!  And speaking of that, there are tons more songbirds out too!

The photos loaded in reverse order.  Here we are taking a break.  The light is so nice.

We went into a rock bowl like a box canyon near the big rock, and John was looking at some mineral deposits on the cliff to the north while I beelined it to some aspens clinging to life on the sheltered south side of the bowl.  I was leading Buster to give him a break, and we spooked an owl.  I thought I saw where it landed so I made my way in that direction.  Sure enough, I saw it, and was able to get some pictures.  This one was as it flew away once I got too close.  

Here it is sitting on the rocks, looking so arrogant, letting me get close.  I was not sneaking up, it stared at me the entire time, so there was no stealth but I was trying not to be to alarming.  If you're having trouble seeing it, look below and just to the right of the bush up top.  It's a Great Horned.

Hahaha, ok, so this may be TMI, but I was so hot after that.  I was wearing so many layers against the cold wind, which wasn't so cold in the bowl, and I scrambled up the ridge to the right thinking I'd seen a skull but it was like The Lost City of Gold, just a trick of the light.  So I scrambled back down, reclaimed my ass, whom I'd dropped to stalk the owl, and started stripping off layers, down to my bra and jeans, and just threw my head back and enjoyed the sun and the wind.  Nobody was going to see me in that box canyon in the middle of nowhere.  John liked the view.  I told him he could take a picture if he promised not to share it.  He was shocked!  I love it.  Twenty years of marriage and I can still shock my husband.  I didn't think much of the picture but I'm told I'm too critical.

The Blade.  Actually I don't really know what to call it, but it is blade thin at the front, like the prow of a ship.  I should load another picture.

There ya go

The skies out there...  Constantly changing, so much light and dark and movement and so BIG!

John found an itty-bitty skull!  He gave it to me.  What a guy.  I haven't checked to make sure it made it back intact.  I should go look...  I want to put it on the top of an itty bitty shaman staff.  What a hoot.  I won't do it, I'm sure, but it tickles my fancy.

Buster can be so tenderly sweet sometimes, just sitting with me while we take breaks.  Also, I think, maybe just a little bit hoping for a cookie.  But he doesn't ask for one, so maybe not.

I don't know if I've mentioned my riding skirt.  I absolutely love it!!!!  It's waterproof, insulated, easy to put on and take off (velcro waist) and I wear it all the time.  I use it mostly for chores, just throw it on over my jammies, but I also ride in it, and I sometimes use it like an insulated tarp to lay down on the snow out in the woods or even in the yard.  It's been so versatile, I tell all my men friends it's too bad they won't wear skirts.  For riding, it has two little straps that go around your legs to hold the two sides that come together underneath your legs so they don't flap up.  The back will flap up but it takes a pretty stiff wind.  Buster doesn't seem to mind but it would definitely spook a horse that wasn't used to it. I think it has spooked one of the horses I rode with, just being near it, maybe when some weeds brushed against it or something.  I got it here on Etsy.  She has thermal and unlined options, and it looks like she has fleece now as well.  I don't think I'd like fleece.  This has a slick liner that doesn't catch on anything or pick up bits of hay or burrs.  I don't know if they're all waterproof, some may not be.  I saw another seller who made wool skirts.  I adore wool, but this is practical for rain and debris.

Here we are standing on a cliff above the creek, which I wouldn't necessarily do on a horse.  Just before this he scrambled up a really difficult steep, rocky incline for me with no problem.  This donkey is impressing me more and more all the time.  His willingness really makes me feel flattered.  A donkey won't work for someone they don't trust.

John had just been dumped by Scout (spooking, not bucking - Scout isn't bad he's just dumb) so he was walking for a bit to cool off and assess his injuries (sore wrist and ribs).  By now I think he was just enjoying himself again.  Scout sure doesn't like moving water.  It scares him.  We need to work on that.

I love this picture.

And I love this "gallows pole" at the old ranch.  I know it's just for hanging meat but I saw a proud raven sitting on it once, and it just made it all the more creepish.  Buster was not pleased to be starting out on another ride.  I took it easy on him.

Here you see Buster Grazing with his racehorse hobbles on.  They rest higher up on the legs to protect the delicate tendons.  As with any hobbles, he can still get around pretty well with them on.  That is, until the straps to keep them up fall down around his neck and he stands there looking pathetic with his head trapped down until I realize what's going on.  Donkeys sure aren't horses.  No panic, just patiently, waiting for me to fix it.

End of the ride, and Buster was completely played out.  What a good boy.  This was our first day, and a little over 7 miles.  He didn't have to carry me the whole way, but he's not been ridden much at all lately.  If I can keep riding consistently it won't be long before his stamina is built up.  Donkeys seem to me to build muscle faster than horses.

Look just to the left of center in the rock face below.  There's a face there with a crown.  It reminds me of The Green Man or a primitive god.  And below that, slightly left just below the line of bushes, there's a coyote watching us.  She just looks like an upright tan spot.  She watched us quite a while and then moseyed downhill toward a watering hole.  The rest of the coyotes we saw out there were very skittish.

Ahhh, sunlight.  I was composing poetry as I rode but none of it made it to the page intact.

Ravens playing on the warm updraft coming off the cliffs.  I love ravens.

Behind Buster is Towell Falls, just a small white spot on the left.  Kind of anticlimactic but the rest of the ride totally makes it worth it.

Buster, the Donkey who stares at Cows.

I rather like this photo of Scout, and how the light hits his mane.

My kind man holding my unruly beast while I took a pit stop.

John and Scout overlooking Towell Falls.

Through the Valley of the Shadow of Death.  There was a dark, brushy, squeezed spot between the rocks somewhere along here that both Buster and Scout found quite spooky.  Buster had to lead through and he did a great job, even though scary Scout was behind him.

A hand in the rock

This idiot was set up to sight in his rifle straight down the valley toward some trails that people hike.  Not only are you not allowed to shoot here, um, duh, people hike down there and there were several cars in the parking lot.  When John mentioned maybe he should position his target differently next time, he just said he assumed everyone was hiking out the other way.  You can never assume.  He gives everyone who shoots a bad name, and he could kill someone.  That stupid target did not stop his bullets, guaranteed.

Speaking of shooting, I never travel without my revolver (or two) anymore.  Too many weirdos, and I'm prepared if there's a horse accident.  I've wanted a cowboy drop holster for a long time, to hold it down and out of my way, but they're expensive.  I saw this one at a saddle maker's in Spokane a month or so ago, but John wanted me to save some money and make my own.  Then he suddenly remembered he'd never gotten me a 20th anniversary present.  I love it!!  So stoked.  It's so comfortable.  The bullet holder part of the belt is for a bigger caliber round, so I'll have to have that fixed, but other than that it's perfect.  Well, I might want to find a way to add a knife sheath...  It does make it hard to get into my pockets once it's on.

Okay, it only took me a couple days to get through writing this, how long did it take you to read it?  Or did you just skim and look at the pictures?  I can't help it, I love to take pictures.  :)  And write.  I've been writing a ton in a journal lately.  Even some attempts at bad poetry.  But mostly just working things out in my head - self psychotherapy maybe - and I write the type of article I'd never publish (thoughts on societal collapse, alcoholism, people who desecrate the forest) or letters I'd never send for various reasons, and a little bit of the sort of "this is what happened today" sort of journaling, but that's kinda boring most days.  

It's 4am and I've been up for an hour.  I'd already been in pain for half the night, up on and off, and then John switched on his phone, full brightness, right in my face.  I don't know why he's awake but now I am too because I hurt too bad to go back to sleep.  My neck is out pretty bad so it hurts, and I have a pretty good headache. The chiropractor couldn't fix it in one day.  I go back in a couple days. But still! I'm going riding this morning and then going to do some more learning on how to operate a backhoe.  Gotta keep moving and learning or what's the point, right?  My meds are already kicking in and I feel a bit better.  Thank goodness for Excedrin and Lyrica.

Scout and Buster go in for their yearly exams, Coggins test, health certificate to travel, dentistry and sheath cleanings tomorrow.  If I'm smart I'll remember to take their vaccines and give them while they're sedated.  Not that they're difficult but that would make it super easy.  It's going to be a long morning on my feet, I hope my back holds out!  I can't wait to visit with my old boss though.