Wednesday, September 12, 2012

I had a dream the other night that I found all my lost spoons outside Tonka's empty stall.  (I don't actually have any spoons missing, that I know of.)  That morning I thought about the dream a lot, because I knew it was important.  I think the spoons signified my love for him. I had taken my best spoons and used them to mix his grain and medicines, as I have done daily in reality for years (but not with my best spoons). They were lying dirty and unused in a place where he no longer was. I was gathering them up to wash them so they could be used again.

I was thinking about looking at another horse.  A well broke horse, a nice horse, with lots of personality.  Not a mustang.  And I was thinking, "but I haven't washed my spoons yet."  I didn't know if I could just jump into the saddle on a new horse.  I wasn't sure I was ready. 

Turns out I wasn't.  I went to see the horse today and it was really upsetting.  He wasn't the horse, I knew right away.  I don't know why, but it made me cry.  Embarrassing, in front of a complete stranger.  She probably thinks I'm nuts.  Oh well.  She knew Tonka's story, hopefully she understands.

I went home really sad, not sure if I could get excited about a new horse.  I knew for sure I didn't want someone else's old horse though, that I needed to start fresh, begin again. I kept thinking of the Sheepshead gelding I've picked out.  When I got home I had an email asking if I still wanted to go ahead with adopting him.  Most definitely, yes!  

Anyway, after I got that email I got excited about my new boy.  I wasn't sure I could get excited, but I did!  I started doing some repairs to the mustang pen, and it felt good.  I can't wait to get some more information.  This waiting with no word is kind of hard to handle.

Still no word on Tonka's necropsy either.  I guess I'll have to call and bother them about it. 

8 comments:

Linda said...

Interesting dream. I believe our dreams tell us a lot about our emotions--apparently, you do, too. I understand how you feel about the domestics. It's as if their stories have already been written. A mustang is a completely blank page--a fresh start. He's a good-looking boy, Andrea. I can see why you're excited. I can't wait to read all about this new relationship!

Christine said...

I think it's completely understandable when you're grieving that considering another horse could bring an emotional response!

Great that you're able to get excited about this mustang :)

Flying Cowgirl said...

I think your right, the Mustang is the way to go. It will give you time to get to know each other and bond, rather than a domestic, which you would probably hop on a go and miss that whole experience.

You do such a nice job with the wilds, I'm looking forward to the continuation of your story.

Keechy said...

Can't wait to hear what you have decided to name him.

Grief is very odd at times. I thought I was ok about being horseless for now till I get better from my Lyme, but today I bought a ride on mower to keep the paddocks trimmed while there is no-one to graze them, and it put me into a real funk. Tears and all. So much for being ok about not having a horse! I resent that poor blameless mower for not being a horse, and I even used my horsetrailer to go pick it up, which made it worse. Don't think I've ever spent so much money on something I've hated on sight. :P

Anyway, I guess I was trying to say, sometimes we push stuff down and we don't realise it is there till it gets triggered. I'm sure the lady understood. xxx

Kate said...

Listening to yourself is very important at this time, and dreams do make a difference. But glad you're thinking about another horse . . . horses make everything better, at least they do for me.

Cindy Durham said...

I suspect that if Tonka were here or able to reach you from the wonderful green pasture in your heart where he lives now, he would tell you that he would want you to adopt one of his "Kin" even if it isn't really a blood relative. I've heard, and I believe it to be true, that once you go Mustang, you can never go back!

Margaret said...

I have taken a blog break for a while from my horse blog and I am so sad to come back and read this! Listen to your dreams, listen to your heart. And grief means you loved deeply. It is a beautiful thing. If you hadn't become his owner, what kind of life would he have had? I'm sure he cherished every moment with you. Hugs...

C-ingspots said...

I agree with what Margaret said about grief meaning you loved deeply...emotions are so honest, and most of the time I don't think we really do know how we feel about something until that emotion rises to the surface. One day at a time...trust your heart and you'll always make the right choice.