Friday, February 06, 2009

Deep thoughts... Ramblings... Mostly completely un-horse-related, so feel free to skip if you like...

Linda asked me in a comment the other day, what would be on my bucket list. I'm not even totally sure what a bucket list is supposed to be, but I think it's supposed to be the things you want to do before you die? Not the things you've already done, right? That really got me thinking. Thinking about what I've done, what I'd like to do. I can't think of anything I can say I'm proud to have done well, anything I couldn't have tried harder and done a little bit better. So first and foremost, I want to have things I can say I'm proud that I did well. Is that possible, or do we always feel like we could have done better? And we're told not to be arrogant, to be humble, which makes it harder to say to the world, "I am proud of myself. I did a great job." So that will be a hard one for me. The rest of the list follows. I say "I will" rather than "I want to," or "I'll try" in belief that a positive statement has more power than wishful thinking.
Before I die:

I will be a better parent. I've skated by thinking I can't be perfect and every kid grows up blaming their parents for something (except my husband, he's weird, he had a happy childhood). But lately I've realized I really need to learn more and think more. And I ordered a whole bunch of books. So far I really like Reviving Ophelia, which is about adolescence in girls, and how to help them through that horrible time, and why it's so horrible. It was written when I was going throught all that junk, so it's kind of a walk down memory lane too. I'm getting started on Raising Cain, Protecting the Emotional Life of Boys. Really, I'm still in the introduction. But it looks like it will be good. I also have Girls Will Be Girls, Raising Confident and Corageous Girls, and The Minds of Boys, Saving Our Sons from Falling Behind in School and Life. I ordered one more but I'm not sure what it was or whether it's here yet... Organized mind, I have...

I will be a better horseman. I want to build better relationships with my horses. I want to be patient and persistent and thoughtful and soft. Actually, apply that to human and dog and all other relationships too.

I will go on a pack trip far into the wilderness.

I will apologize.

I will forgive myself.

I will see Carrie and hopefully go on a road trip in her Mustang.
(Thelma and Louise, but just fun and no tragedy.)

I will learn to meditate.

I will strive to be a good person. No pettiness, more flexibility. Slower to react, more deliberate, more thoughtful and loving and forgiving and understanding.

I will make a positive change in the world. I will do this every day. Smile. Be kind. Help.

I will find a larger way to make a positive change in the world.
Life is good, this place is good, I'm happy with my work and life on the outside. It's the internal stuff I'd like to work on. I can't think of near as many things I want to do as things that I'd like to change. Of course change involves doing. But I mean, I can't think of many trips or actions I'd feel that I needed to take if I was about to die. I think it would be more about strengthening relationships and reaffirming love and reaching out to make a positive impact somewhere. Of course, I've never been told I was dying, other than in the sense we're all closer to death every day, so I don't know at all what that's like and wouldn't claim to know how it feels. I'm sure anger and fear and sadness would be a large part of my world.

Okay, so I'm rambling. Oh well, I think this is a good thing to think about. So I won't apologize. :)


Linda said...

That's a thoughtful list. Many people will benefit from just your desire to do all those things well.

Della said...

That's an awesome list. I always try to make lists like that, but then forget to follow them...I'll have to follow your example and figure out a way...

Kate said...

I really like your horse descriptions, and I think your list was great - it isn't off topic at all - horses are life and we bring our same selves to both. Your list really made me think.